Hope

Before recovery, life used to just happen to me. Looking back, personally, I had no hope. I could only see the problems, fears, losses, and anger right in front of me. I could not see the colors of the mountains or the trees or see the light from the sun, it was just darkness all around me. Sitting in a room full of people feeling isolated and lonely. I felt hopeless; stuck in the continuous cycle of wishing tomorrow would be better. Getting clean was only the beginning. I didn’t necessarily find hope. It came first from someone who didn’t give up on me. She showed me that I had hope inside me all along. Her husband would tell me that my hope was something for my faith to grab hold of. My hope became a stepping stone in the process of recovery. I realized that the darkness was only a little portion of the big picture, just a spot on the mountain, or a leaf on the tree. Hope started crowding out doubts about who I was, what I was capable of, and about my future. First I volunteered, then I worked a small part time job which led to a job I thought I could never do again. Each time I was willing to do something scary or new, it led to the next thing, and the next thing. It seemed my willingness and hope were connected. Have hope, be willing to try, succeed, have hope, be willing to try, succeed; over and over. I realized that a new continuous cycle had emerged one task at a time, one fear at a time, and one day at a time. Hope had won. I was living life. It has been a long time since either of those people have been in my life, but I try to do daily for someone else what they did for me. Don’t give up on them, walk with them as they find the hope that is within them. Hope is what I cling to daily, but not too tightly that I can’t share it with someone else